Failing Failing FAILING. Thats all I seem to be doing. So, I've started again. I took out all of the old pages of my food journal and started again yesterday. Although I fell FLAT ON MY FACE, not literally, but yesterday I failed too. Alcohol induced food collection from the local take aways with the naturally skinny best mate. It was a good laugh but I should have had any of it. Alas, I did. So, today is the start of a 2 day fast. I've been to the gym and although I'm going out tonight I'm not drinking. I'm actually taking the car so that I HAVE to stay sober. I've drank for 2 days in a row, I can't really afford or justify another one. 

Sunday: Gym, fast.
Monday: Cereal, Gym
Tuesday: Cereal, Gym... I'll also have to prepare something low cal for my mother arriving... Chicken and something!
Wed: Travelling to Devon. Cereal will happen. Not sure after. Mother is around...
Thurs: Staying at a B&B = cooked breakfast? Then PGCE interview. Then travelling back to Chester. Hopefully can get away with just the breakfast.
Fri: Gym.
Sat: Gym, summer ball - 3 course meal there. Move stuff around plate a lot!
Sun: Travelling home for summer. 

It's all up in the air at the moment once I get home, it depends on employment etc to if I can get to a gym. I'll walk every night with my mother if I can get her motivated. Then I have a workshop to run in a local school for 4 weeks so that'll have me out of the house a bit. If I can't get to a gym I'll just restrict like crazy. I want to be 112lb. Is that so much to ask!? 8lb to go...

Current Mood: blah

3 day fast from today. 

Yesterday I failed miserably. Stupid exam, which might I add, I'm going to fail that today!

Gym after exam then clean the bathroom. Plenty of exercise. I'm going to have to post more to keep myself on track. I need someone to have to answer to y'know? 

Hope everyone is successful today.

Stay strong! x 

Current Mood: anxious

Last night was particularly bad, emotionally wise. 

I think my last post was Monday so here's the week so far, oh and my weight is always after my work out:

Mon 
472.8 cals
Gym - 900
Weight 8st 8.8 or 120.8lb

Tues - Bit of a binge...
1599.5 cals
Gym - 800
Weight 8st 8.4/ 120.4lb

Wed
449 cals
Gym - 950
Weight 8st 6.4/ 118.4 - This was at like 11am...

Anyway, on Sunday just gone, I spend £30 on junk food and birthday cake for my so called best friend's 21st Birthday. It was a little tea party, right up her street and a while back she'd complianed I make no effort with her blah blah blah, basically I'd had a lot of Uni work on and she didn't like that I was locked in my room instead of being up her ass. I've had my guard up for weeks then I dropped it for her 21st, cause her friends from home have GONE ON HOLIDAY so they're going to MISS HER BIRTHDAY! So, I figured, make a big deal, spend the money, just go for it. 

Now... Call me petty but I got her a cake, obviously, and this was Sunday. It's now Wednesday and she HASN'T cut into it, I mean... Talk about ungrateful. Last night I said to her 'you going to cut into that cake' and she smiled and went 'aww' as if 'yeah I should, that'll be nice' then didn't bother and had some alcohol. I mean, I SHOULDNT be eating any of it but I actually WOULD have on principle that's she's an ungrateful shit. 

I cried my eyes out. I mean, I was crying like someone had died. Yes I get moody more often cause my blood sugar is so effing low, yes I'm irritable but then again it's still pretty rare for me. So, I was on msn and mentioned something to another friend and she's all 'oh dear' then she's like 'you should chill out, you're finished Uni just relax'. I'm like EARTH TO YOU, NO I'M NOT. They forget I have:

Exam - Tuesday 5th
INTERVIEW FOR POSSIBLE TEACHING PLACEMENT - Thursday 14th

Not effing stressful or anything... Of course not, piece of piss that... NOT.

So, I was supposed to be taking the 'best friend' out for food on Sunday, ANOTHER part to her on going birthday, but I've decided she can piss right off. I'm not doing it. I don't have 2 pennies to rub together, I've been trying to find a couple of pound to scrape together to get salad from the market because if I don't have salad I'm going to have to eat rice and bread more often than I'd like and I'm getting all worked up over spending the money on me instead of keeping it for my 'best friends' meal.

It annoys me that she can voice my so called 'lack of effort' then when I DO put it all in, BIG STYLE, she makes NO EFFORT back to show appreciation. Nothing like treating people how you want to be treated. 

I almost binged last night due to this, ALMOST. I didn't, and I'm glad. I figured, why should I? Why should I ruin the progress I've made over the last 3 days just for her, for this. I feel bad enough as it is, like a human punch bag, without feeling like a fat human punch bag on top of it. So, I didn't binge, and I won't. I'm even contemplating getting a bottle of wine and getting hideously drunk tonight but then I think HELLO, CALORIES? 

I won't take her out on Sunday, I won't ruin my progress on sweets/crisps/wine. I won't let her, or anyone, make me feel like this AGAIN.

I used to be a complete social reculse, I mean, I have my group of girls that I'd go out on the weekends with, it used to annoy me that they were no more than 'drinking buddies' but at the end of it, they were never up in my business, never close enough to hurt me. Maybe that's how I need to be, maybe I need to get myself back to being slightly more cut off from the world.

Current Location: I HATE UNI
Current Mood: crushed

Well the weekend is over and I have partied hhaarrrd. I mean, it was ace. But, I'm fat. I think I'm hovering around 124lb? Idk. Haven't been to the gym today. 

I only have a meal out on Sunday with my best friend for her birthday this week. I'm also pretty strapped for cash so this week is going to be a quiet one. I can have salad on Sunday, no problem. I can't afford to buy any food this week so I'll just slowly use up all the stuff I have in the fridge/freezer over the next couple of weeks left at Uni. So a lack of food, and funds are my positive on the weight loss front. I have about 3 weeks and I'd like to lose about 10lb. That's only 3lb a week. I'll just stick to under 500cals a day and exercise 6 out of 7 days maybe. As often as possbile anyway, I've been hitting around 1000cals lately at the gym so I'll vary it between 800-1000. It's definately 1000 tomorrow.  

I have an exam in a week, my life needs to revolve around revision and exercise. Can't spend any money except for Sunday. The rest of the month is going to be expensive. I just hope I get a job pretty quickly at summer. Luckily I have a little bit of cash in a savings account if I get desperate. 

Stress. Ugh.

Current Mood: blah

My 3 day binge marathon resulted in a 5lb weight gain. Most people would gain that in a 3 week binge, but not me. 3 days. I gain so easily, I look awful too, it's just all there like a stuck on fat suit that you'd see in a movie. I look pregnant. 

Today I got myself on track, I've had a tuna salad - 133.6 cals and I did 1000cals at the gym followed by my sit ups etc. I was 122.6lb when I left the gym. 

The plan tomorrow is 226.6 calories and another 1000 cals at the gym. 

Sunday is surprise kiddie style tea party for my best friends 21st. I have 100g melon and 60g blueberries at 68 cal as a definate then after that I'll just do my best to limit what I have to as few cals as possible. I'll be doing another 1000cals at the gym Sunday aswell so it should balance out in some way. 

Monday - rest from the gym and liquid fast. Clean bathroom for exercise. 100ml of OJ and 100ml Milk are definates for that day then after that it's water and Coke Zero. 

I was thinking of 246 earlier for the next 9 days but I don't think I will. Maybe something like 500 cal max. I can't decide right now. I just have my plan until Monday and I want to get through the next few days without messing up. I think I'm going to start taking this a day at a time. 

I'm going out again tonight, and tomorrow, but I'm not drinking for either. I like going out, drinking diet coke/water all night and dancing. It's exercise and it gets me away from the temptation of food.

Current Mood: hopeful

Well my good mood and optimism from yesterday disappeared. 

I've been finishing my final essay for Uni and I dunno, been stressed out? I was on 2468 and doing well, but I ended up having the two crisp breads, which turned to about 20 more, which turned to cereal. Why do I always binge on cereal? 

My stomach has been messed up all today. So, I decided I'd scrap today and fast, I could have juice and 200g melon. 

Yeah, that went to hell. I've just binged. I was in town all morning and all i could think about was sweets and chocolate. I went into woolworths and looked about but didn't buy, I got back to the house and ate a piece of melon. Then onto campus, and bam... into the campus shop for food. It was like I had no control. How rubbish. Now I'm totally high off sugar, I can feel it in my head and in my blood. It's awful. 

I'm going to type up this essay then go to the gym. I must be 9 stone. I'm going to cry. I bet I've put on 7lb in two days. 

Someone sew my fat mouth up.

Current Mood: guilty

Today has been pretty good, I recieved a couple of compliments today and it made my day! One was direct and ther other I just decided was a compliment! 

The first one happened in Tesco, I was looking at the 1 cal spray oil and stuff and a girl said to me "excuse me, do you know which is best, vegetable or sunflower oil?' I was like 'uh I use this 1 cal spray because they're both full of calories' so she got some too! I took it as a compliment because I decided she thought I looked 'healthy' enough to be trusted in my decisions of low cal stuff!

Then, on my way to my lecture, my friend who I haven't seen in like 2weeks, said 'have you been losing weight? Not that you were fat before but you're tiny' FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED! Not that I'm tiny, cause I'm far from it - 5'4, 118lb but hell, I'll take that compliment and run with it. I just went 'oh yeah, a bit, kinda, been going to the gym a lot I guess'. I tried to act cool but it made my day. MY WEEK!

I have wanted to eat so much crap today its unreal, I'm so due this month and I can tell. I'm feeling bloated and just want to eat and eat, anything I can think of. Today I have managed to beat it all completely. Although it's only 6.30pm but I'm determined. I wanted a Tootsie Roll, they had none in the import sweet shop so I wanted liquorice, but I didn't bother buying any. I did buy fruit bars that were on offer, apple based pure fruit bars 52 cal per bar and it was 4 for £1! Then there was 2 for £1 on Hazelnut chocolate filled rice cakes, they're like a sandwich bar and I've never had them before but they're 97 cals each which I thought wasn't SO bad. Still, they're all in my cupboard untouched and that is how they'll stay.

It's 400 of 2468 today and I've had 355.5 cals. That's me done. I'm not having anything more, I almost let myself make it up with 2 crisp bread but I was like wtf? WHY? I'm not hungry and even if I was, just have a cup of coffee, fatass. So, that's what I did :)

I bought more clothes today, things I shouldn't be buying but I did, I got 2 tops, sizes 10 and 8. I'm starting to fit an 8 really well and 10 is what a 12 used to fit like. If I can be 8-10 top and 10 bottom I think I'd be content. I have to remember I'm 22 years old, I need to be able to present myself so that I can be taken seriously. It's no good having clothes hanging off me 24/7 because I'm so skinny and dead looking. A lot of my clothes don't fit well now, a lot of my tops are baggy and it looks stupid. On the flip side, I did get 2 pairs of trousers a while ago at a size 10 that I decided I'd squeeze myself into at the time. They both fit so much better now. 

Anyway, I have my final essay to write, hopefully I can get it done tonight, it's due on Thursday. Just have to concentrate! I'm ging to motivate myself with the fact that if I get it done I can go to the gym tomorrow, I haven't been today. Ugh. But, I've done a lot of walking around town so it's not all terrible!

Current Mood: accomplished

Thankfully it's the start of a new week!

After quitting SH on Thursday I ate next to nothing but I didn't manage to get to they gym over the weekend. I swear I must have been about 116/115lb! But then yesterday, I binged, again. It started with a Fitness Bar and ended with 3 bags of 'be good to yourself' crisps. I had ate the other 3 bags earlier in the binge which also included a McDonalds, biscuits and chocolate. I dunno where this binging has come from but I hate it!

Anyway, I started fresh today, 2468 for 2 cycles at least. I got up this morning and went to the gym, 8.30am and was back to 8stone 7.2/ 119.2lb by the time I did my workout, 730 cardio and the rest, I was 8 stone 5.8/ 117.8lb so, all in all it's not too bad. So far today I've had fruit. My week of food is planned and I have a night out on Thursday so I've allowed for alcohol consumption that day.

The plan is as follows:

Mon 200:
100g melon - 34
60g blueberries -34
2x crisp bread -38
50g cottage cheese - 44
Salad - 60g lettuce, celery, cucumber, red pepper and 30g red onion - 50
T = 200

Tues 400:
30g All Bran -84
100ml milk -50
100g chicken -110
100g mangetout -33
100g baby corn -20
100g grapes -67
T = 364

Wed 600:
30g Special k -112
100ml milk -50
100ml OJ -50
135g salmon -288
60g Wild Rice -60
100g melon -34
T = 594

Thurs 800:
30g All Bran -84
100ml Milk -50
100g carrot -40
50g houmus -129.5
1 x veggie burger - 88
Salad - 60g lettuce, celery, cuumber, red pepper - 38
2 x Corn Thins -44

5 x Vodka and Diet coke = 5 x 65 = 325 (what a waste!!)
T = 798.5

Friday 200:
100g melon - 34
60g blueberries -34
70g Tuna - 79
Salad - 60g lettuce, celery, cucumber, red pepper, 30g red onion - 50
T = 197

I'll deal with the weekend etc on Friday as I will see what food I have left in to see me through the week! I don't know what days I'll exercise, thankfully I have today and I'm planning Wednesday so any extra days before Friday are a bonus, I know I'll be there Friday. Thursday is essay hand in day so we'll just see how it all works out! 

I'll post with an update asap! x

Current Location: Bedroom - Uni
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Divine Intervention - TBS

Well, where are we this week then... oh yeah WE BINGED! I

I'm not even feeling guilty about it because that was yesterday, and I went to the gym last night 800cals and this morning 632cals. It's not too bad. I've pretty much quit SH, I'll use up what I have in the house simply because it's all I actually have but on Sunday I'm going shopping and the soup that's left will be going the journey. 

I was 8 stone 4 or 116lb when I came out of the gym today. Although that was at 12 (noon) and I'd only had and apple and 200ml of juice at 144.6 cals total. Saying that though it's 2.47pm and I'm just chewing 2 pieces of gum and have had a glass of water with juice in it so that's about 10 cals. I'm not hungry at all. I have some beef with tomatoes for later if I do get hungry, that's to meal of the day on SH so i'll stick to it and I could do with the protien. I was 119.6 last inght after my binge, maybe by the end of the weekend I can stay at 116? 

For once I'm quite looking forward to shopping on Sunday, I'm going to go to ASDA and get all my favourite safe foods, low fat cottage cheese, blueberries, melon, salmon, asparagus,coke zero...crisp breads! So they're not 'safe' due to the fact that they're carbs but they're part of my survival kit or I'd die. Oh I might get some hummus and carrot. That'll set me up for the week. 

I'm going to eat out on Thursday so I'll definately fast on Wednesday. We're drinking on Thursday too but it's the end of Uni so i'll allow myself a couple. Then I'll hit the gym Friday as usual! right now I have to concentrate on Uni. 3000 words by Wednesday. Totally do-able! 

Later! x x

Current Mood: optimistic

So, yeah. I HAD gained. How depressing. When I walked into the gym I was 8stone 8.4!!!! or 120.4lb. An extra .8 of a lb and I could feel it. 

I don't know if I'm loving this diet. I feel really stuffed all of the time on it, too many carbs. I like feeling light. I think I'll cut the portion sizes right down, its amazing how filling 100g of cauliflower is!

After the gym I was 8stone 6.8 or 118.8lb, I'd worked off 680 cals cardio then did my other work. I gess at least I was lighter once I came out, but I still have that heavy feeling in my stomach. Ugh. I've almost lost a stone though / 13lb not one of my friends or housemates have noticed and my mother made a damn comment tonight 'this all started from that size zero programme'. I'm like no, I have a summer ball to go to, I have home to come back to where I'll see people I haven't seen in 2 yeras when I was skinny, I don't want them being all 'oh snap, she got fat.' Truth be know, yes, the size Zero programmes DID trigger me again. I was pretty much under control of my food, although I was over weight and unhappy about it. I like my weight now and I'm thankful I saw those shows so that it did trigger me again. I believe once you've had an ED it never goes away. 

I'm just dreading my mother trying to shovel food down my neck once I'm home. She'll make it worse if she forces me. 

I want to be skinny, and right now I'm happy because none of my clothes fit me properly anymore. Although on the other hand it's a bit of a bummer, I need money to get new clothes! But, once I get a size smaller it'll help me keep an eye on my weight cause if I gain, I'll feel it and that WON'T happen again!

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to take a new perspective on this plan. It's so filling I'm going to cut my portions so that I can have a slight feeling of emptiness even after I ate!

Laters x